Last night, I half-heartedly slapped on some self-tanner (rated the BEST by Glamour magazine!!) after noticing that my legs were approximately eight shades lighter than my arms.
Putting on my bathing suit this morning, I gasped when I caught a glimpse of my bare legs. Streaks AND splotches. I had totally missed the outside of my right ankle. AND the tops of my feet were orange.
Grabbing a washcloth, I scrubbed and scrubbed, trying to blend. Heck, trying to erase. Forced to give up after rubbing my legs raw and red, I resigned myself to embarrassment.
At the country club pool – oh the horror! All those ladies in their fancy suits and I’m wearing my five year old Lands End turquoise wreck. With orange streaked legs. Hanging my head, disguised by an over-sized hat, creeping around in shame.
The weather was gorgeous and a cool 74 degrees (had I known that, we would have avoided the pool altogether). Sitting on the edge of the chilly pool, I dangled my legs in the water in a lame attempt to camoflague the worst of it.
Under the aqua water and mixed with the chlorine, my legs glowed even more brightly.
After an hour, I attempted to make a quick exit – not possible with kids -
“Watch this!”
“One more jump!”
“Just one more!”
“Last one!”
- and got caught in a conversation with a tan, fit, thin, perfectly groomed, and worst of all, friendly woman. Standing next to her, I crossed my legs impatiently, trying to hide the worst splotches of orange.
Finally home, I walked past a large mirror and did a double take. Bursting into laughter – it was either that or tears – I stared at my reflection. Besides the black bug sitting atop my hat, I had completely missed an oval patch of skin the size of a cantaloupe on the outside of my thigh.
When will I learn to leave well enough alone??
Apparently, never.
Slinking away now…
Do you have a self-tanner horror story? If so, I would LOVE to hear it!
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I do! Well not one, but many. No matter how cheap or how expensive none of them have ever worked for me. I thought I found one last year that worked, only to notice it came of in clumps if you wash with a loofah. Gross! I feel for you, I think we all have felt that way a time or two.
I bet no one noticed. Maybe you seemed approachable to that lady:O)
Summur Braley´s last blog ..LIFE
Oh NO!!! It sounds just like something I would do, my poor friend. The only tanning story I know of is Ross in Friends. Remember that one where he over-tanned, and I think on just one side? I just go out in my horrible white legs, looking like a beached whale.
Miss Welcome´s last blog ..Enough About Me What Do YOU Think About Me
Oh, Miss Welcome, you are so wise. Every time I tell myself “never again!” But the following year I’m tempted all over again.
Summur, thanks for your kind words. I appreciate them!
I only tried self tanner once. Once was enough. It looked like my knees were filthy dirty, and I was all streaky. Mostly I wear capri pants anyway, but the odd time I actually show my legs in public, like at a pool or beach, they are pretty pasty. Also covered in big puffy purple varicose veins. AND cellulite. I try to show some cleavage to compensate.
Nicole´s last blog ..and after we trash Bay Street- lets go to McDonalds Im hungry
I’ve done something similar. I found a good self tanner that was gradual and went on with orange or streaks. HOWEVER. When it started to wear off, enter splotches. HORROR. I didn’t realize it until I was on vacation. Gasp. I feel your pain.
Paige´s last blog ..crazy stuff I shouldn’t put on my blog
I tried self tanning lotion before my wedding to try to rid myself of the tan lines that didn’t go along with my dress lines…
Didn’t work. It wasn’t horrible, but it didn’t help much
I tried that stuff. ONCE.
Orange is not my best color. It looks really gross with the red hair.
I eventually decided that if Julianne Moore can look so gosh-darn amazing with her white white whiteness, I could to.
The Mother´s last blog ..The Mother’s Guide to Hurricane Season
Good for you, The Mother. Julianne Moore does look amazing, but she is missing the veins, splotches, broken capillaries, cellulite, etc that real women (or at least I) have. Though, maybe some broken capillaries ARE better than orange streaks. I think I just found my new policy… until next year, when I am stupid enough to try again!
No self tanner horror story – I stay pastey white!
But I admire that you toughed it out for the sake of your kids enjoyment!
liz´s last blog ..You Know You-8217re a Mom When-sDaze
I don’t have any horror stories, but I wanted to say that I think it’s great that you sucked it up and went out to the pool anyway. Everyone’s been there, so don’t feel bad about it! Thanks for coming and checking out my blog. I’m your newest follower!
Laura´s last blog ..Way Back Wednesday
Been there, done that…but not nearly as drastic as what you described!
Natalie´s last blog ..You Know Youre a Mom When-sDaze
You sound lovely!
I have so many self-tanner horror stories that I’ve given up using them altogether. I don’t tan. At all. My fair Irish skin stays fair unless it’s bright red and burnt. After too many streaky stories (I never could put it on correctly) I gave up and decided that I have white skin. So what.
The good news is that we always notice more about our deficiencies than other people do so many may not have noticed your streaks.
Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last blog ..Cheese- Wednesday of Few Words
I must say that I have never used self tanner for just that reason. I have heard waaaay too many stories.
Jen´s last blog ..I am Going to Need a Cabana Boy and a Fruity Drink
I agree with Jen above: I’m scared to death of The Stripe-y Look! You were very brave.
Thanks for the visit today! : )
LOL! Sounds like something that might happen to me, too, if I ever decide to self-tan.
Buckeroomama´s last blog ..Say Thank You- Why Don’t You
So funny! How do the “put together” people get that way? You’d be more likely to see a unicorn than to see me leaving the house “put together.” I just have no idea how it’s done.
My friend was getting married, and I wanted to look good for the wedding. I went and had one of those spray tans you get in the automatic booth.
Between being naked except for the weird hair net and being startled when it started spraying me while trying to remember how to stand, I felt like a naked lunchroom lady break dancing.
The weird thing is, I did something wrong. Not sure what. I put the cream on my hands, knees and elbows, so it didn’t get muddy looking. But, nothing on me tanned, except….the palms of my hands. I looked so dirty. And I was doing her wedding pictures, couldn’t keep my hands in my pockets. To this day, I don’t know what happened. Weird!
I hope your self tanner is quick fading!
Loved the idea of you at the pool with the weird fake tan!
Lula Lola´s last blog ..Edisto Part II- Hitting the Water
Lula Lola, thanks for sharing. So glad I’m not the only one!
I’ve pretty much given up on having tan legs again, though if I ever decide I need them, I may look into the professional airbrushing (or whatever it’s called) since I don’t trust myself with the self tanner or even in one of those spray booths.
Why is it that the tan, fit, thin, and perfectly groomed women are so often friendly as well? If I had even one of those adjectives going for me on a consistent basis, I’d be really pleased with myself!
mep´s last blog ..World Sippy Cup
sorry but am lol. *bad bad susie, that’s not nice*
Susie @newdaynewlesson´s last blog ..Especially If You Have Little Kids- Don’t Go Out Without Tissues Or Wipes
OMG!!!! ROFLMAO!!!! I’m so sorry but I laughed through your shame this whole post through. Just cuz I could totally see this happening to me. One day I made it through the entire day only to find out I had a turd shaped piece of play dough hanging from my rear end that no one bothered to mention to me, but EVERYONE including all the teachers and director at my kids’ school must have seen. I was mortified.
I second what MEP said. Why are some women all of those things?? If she’s gorgeous and tan, you at least want her to be snooty about it! =>
Stacia´s last blog ..Third and Long- A Dad’s Birth Story
Love the look of your blog these days! This one belongs at laffy lady. Seriously, you should send it in to laffylady@gmail.com.
this would be perfect there….
Alexandra´s last blog ..mum mum mum mah Muffintop
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